@TheAlexNevil

*speed dating
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.

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@Jake_Vig

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

@MayaIsLoading

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

@david8hughes

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

@E_lok44

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

@iAmDelFreaky

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

@PinkCamoTO

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES