*speed dating
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.

You Might Also Like


THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.


In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.


Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.


[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months


Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.


*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.


Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.


me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?