Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

me when somebody idk start touching me

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.