Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

I Can’t Tonight…

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

My neck my back my allergy attack

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

wtf