[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.