Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.