Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Just got to our Airbnb!