{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.