{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.