Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months