*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!

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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.


When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?


[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*


Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT


If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.


I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.