When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me: What’d you have for lunch?
Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.