Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.