Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”