*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
look at me when i’m typing to you
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting