Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

yea so i messed up lol

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]