Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it