[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.