@girl_a_whirl

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

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@rocknthepurple

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

@nonosimprov

Culturally speaking…

Having a McDonald’s in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.

@sulkywhitegirl

I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.

@briangaar

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

@mdob11

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

@Darlainky

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

@brynnester

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help

@ericsshadow

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

@themocker69

We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

@Mardigroan

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.