Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
💀
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.