@pixelatedboat
@BromanConsul
1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”
“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”
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@BromanConsul
@WilliamAder
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
@Pappiness
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
@jus4golf
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
@IndecisiveJones
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
@Manali_Shetye5
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?
@Juicedballs
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
@glamoureptile
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
@mjkspeaks
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
@ehdannyboy
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg