I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
priest: does anyone object to this union
my boss: [standing up] wait…no one said anything about a union
When life gives you lemons…..
Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”