“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.