@pixelatedboat

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

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@djderk

I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@mishakey

I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.

@GianDoh

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

@heybuddy_comic

[getting married]

priest: does anyone object to this union

my boss: [standing up] wait…no one said anything about a union

@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@mrsauntiepam

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

@thombodytolove

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

@perlhack

“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”