@pixelatedboat

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

You Might Also Like

@BromanConsul

1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”

@WilliamAder

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

@jus4golf

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

@Juicedballs

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@ehdannyboy

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg