“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Yes my dude
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
me opening up to someone
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.