Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”