Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)