Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tourist season

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

no one ever comes back

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Let’s Go

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.