Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS