Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…