Spell check is for lasers.
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
This guy gets it.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another