Spell check is for lasers.
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16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between