Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Ironic

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…