Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

Important reminders

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

me adding lol on a serious message

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.