spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes