Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

called in thicc to work this morning

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.