[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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i’m gonna allow it
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.