[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
You Might Also Like
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
