[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.