Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

look at me when i’m typing to you

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes