Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea