[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best