Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

*exercises sarcastically*

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head