spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.