spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
🤣😂🤣😂
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]