Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

i wish we could shoplift online

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete