[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Twitter fine art
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.