Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

🤣

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?