Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus