[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”![]()
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This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
This is the one
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.