Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one