[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”![]()
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I’m putting together a team
![]()
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you