Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

sistine chapel

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Scream sneezers need love too.

is losing your mind a hobby?