Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

blocked.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

🤣could you imagine

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

my retirement plan is braless