[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
You Might Also Like
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*