Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

5 ways to appear taller

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.