[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
when someone compliments me
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*