Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.