SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too