Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*