Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.