Can I have the definition, please?




Can I have the definition, please?


- @T_Bonezzz_

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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing


Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.


i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work



Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt


The longer you look at this the better it gets


In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.


Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.


ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a


9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”