Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

First I was a pebble..

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”