Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

This rocks

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Why is no one talking about this?!

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…