Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

I am absolutely never leaving this website

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help