Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.