Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.