Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.