@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@aLunchBox

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

@DatingLeah

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@radtoria

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

@Beatweek

Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.

@JamieFord

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

@JhonRules

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

@QwertyJones3

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.