[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly