[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’m sure it’s fine.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today