Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon