Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant