Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.