Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

True

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.