[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
i actually laughed 😩
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.