Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

man i love columbo

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.