[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
money maker
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle