Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

R.I.P.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

rip to my favourite tweet

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods