Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

“I FIXED IT!”

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story